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Category Archives: Youth
It Gets Better – School, College, Life
By David Clarke
School for many people is not a fun place to be it’s full of rules and discipline. This applies to all people but if your LGBT it can be a lot worse, there are emotions that you can’t figure out you begin to realise that you do fancy boys or girls like the others in your class and coming to terms with this can be very difficult. I have gone through this so I know what it can be like, for me it began in first year back in 2000, I was just starting to figure out who I was. I remember the blinding fear the came over me would my feelings change or was it a phase or would it be like this forever things looked very bleak.
I resorted to getting a girlfriend to try and hide who I was and also to protect myself from the torment I so feared, this worked for a while but I could not continue with it because I wasn’t being true to myself. Later on that year I came out to my best friend over a text message because I couldn’t say it out loud yet, I thought that if I could avoid saying it I wouldn’t have to believe it, I was very lucky with her reaction she just said she didn’t care I was who I was supposed to be and for the first time she knew the real me the relief was so overwhelming it brought me to tears.
I kept who I was a secret until I was in fifth year when tragically one of my close friends died I started to feel guilty for not having the courage to tell her and swore I wouldn’t let that happen again so during that summer I came out to everyone of my close friends each of whom I could trust to keep it quiet or so I thought. About three months I started hearing things back I was devastated the my trust in my friends had been broken , this forced me to come out to my parents which was by far the scariest thing I have ever done.
I wrote them both letters left them in the work jackets of my parents and went to school where I told my maths teacher what I had done. The teacher sat me down a just talked to me about everything I was going through and how everything would be ok and she offered to help me whatever way she could. My parents were fantastic they accepted it and have even welcomed my partners in to the family home. I am writing about this because I want to show anyone who is going through this and is still in school that you’re not alone all those things that are stuck in the back of your mind keeping you up at night may not happen they are built out of fear . Secondary school does come to an end if you can just get through the few years you will be there life gets so much better, it was only after I left school that I realised this.
I went to U.C.C and made amazing friends I joined the LGBT society in my first year and by second year I was running the society since then I have been to pride parades all over the country proudly marching alongside other LGBT people no longer afraid to be who I am. The message behind this piece is things really do get so much better all you have to do is hang in there, there are people you can talk to such as Gay Youth Wexford who will do whatever they can to help you through the fear. Just remember you’re not alone and if you need reminding of this just read my story!
If you would like me to write about a certain topic or if you have any questions send me an email at gayyouthwexford@gmail.com
David
David is the youth officer with Gay Wexford and the author of the
coming out guide on the Youth page at GayWexford.com. For more
details of Gay Youth Wexford see their facebook page or send an email
to gayyouthwexford@gmail.com
Posted in Coming Out, GYW, Wexford, Youth
Tagged Be Happy, Born that way, Gay Youth Wexford, It gets Better, LGBT, rules and discipline, School
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Coming out to me 80’s
To begin with, I’d like to thank the contributer from Wexford for their story. For some the following story may have a familiar ring to it, even today. If so, I for one hope you’re not under the age of 25 by actual birth date. Under 25 in your imagination that, is another issue altogether. The following events occurred during the early 80’s. Today many teachers are more aware of the issues, though often tied by school protocol in what they can do.
I was in second year secondary school, an all girls, school for young ladies and sitting in the guidance councillor’s office. Miss B had been out of the room 15 minutes. We’d been taught don’t wait more than a 1/4 of an hour for anyone. The Religious Education room was across the hall & empty, I planned my escape.
How did I arrive at this point? The story began a few years before in fifth class, primary school. I’d met ‘Her’. ‘She’ was the most beautiful girl ever, only recently moved to Wexford. We had so much in common, music, art, yet! there was ‘one’ slight problem, even at that young age she was obsessed with boys. Kids developed faster in Gorey than Wexford, in those days.
First year of secondry school was a malestorm of activities, a time of change, coming to terms with me. Choir, swim training, singing, hockey, music, art, gymnastics and of course the new school curriculum, timetables. By second year I believed that the difference between me and my peers was greater than I’d thought. I liked girls. I sought more information. But where do I get it? Library? I went to the new school councillor Miss B.
There had been a change of criteria for councillors from strictly career guidance it now included the personal development of the girls. I’d arrived at my appointed time. I tried to explain how I felt isolated, I had a different outlook from the other girls. I really hadn’t the vocabulary for being gay, I explained about my friend, my feelings, the change in our relationship. Miss B asked, over and over, if I found myself crying for no reason. Half an hour into the session I saw an idea dawn on her. Suddenly she had urgent business & I was to wait there.
Having waited the fifteen minutes, I slipped over to the door. The passage was clear, about to scoot across the hall, I recognised a voice, two, no three. Miss B was at the top of the stairs, down the hall talking loudly to C & S, two girls from my class. Retracing my steps, horrible suspicions rolling around my head. Moments later, she returned. I made a number of excuses not to be there, I couldn’t get away fast enough.
Outside I was relieved not to see C & S and made a b line for the locker room. Almost there, when my name was called. I turned C had her best good samaratin face on, S was livid. A few expletives ran through my mind too, my sense of humor took over. I recognised someone with a crush & an exclusivity clause on their friend. Out of sheer devilment I said yes to their proposal, OK! I couldn’t think of a way to say ‘no’ without being offensive. Share lunches with them, ‘gooseberry much’ . It didn’t last long, I was a busy young woman. The councellor Miss B had decided I was friendless, with all my activities, seriously!. At the parent teachers meeting she proudly gave the details and her solution to my mother, who discussed the conversation with at least two more of my teachers and came to her own conclusions. In any case I didn’t get the information I needed then, educational though the experience was. Luckily I was a voracious reader & knowledge will out when required.
Flowers in the Attic is a 1979 novel by Virginia Andrews. Regarded as most unsuitable reading for young ladies at school in the 80's. It had been banned around the world & forbidden fruit.
‘Coming out’ again and again while in college I was told ‘it’s just a phase’. Another said ‘so & so’ and ‘so & so’ are gay too. One person was relieved it meant she wasn’t ‘loose’ because I’d shared a hotel room with her male friend to save money (students?) and didn’t sleep with him, where as she would have been all over him, go figure??.
The ‘coming out’ is mostly easy, but then I’ve known me a long time. Occasionally heart wrenching, at times gut wrenching and sometimes non voluntary. Until society learns not to assume everyone they meet is straight ‘coming out’ is a fact of life.
As for C & S well that is another story & not mine to tell.
Today in schools little has changed for LGBT students, they still have the feelings & the self knowledge. Teachers can’t help. On the upside they do however have the language, TV & the internet.
Here’s a thought. Name one lesbian icon from the 80’s? The 90’s had KD Lang, Martina Navratilova & Sandra Bernhard on & off ‘Roseanne’, Ellen DeGeneres.
Posted in Coming Out, Wexford, Youth
Tagged 'Roseanne', all girls, beautiful, coming out, Ellen DeGeneres, KD Lang, knowledge will out when required, LGBT students, Martina Navratilova, Primary school, Sandra Bernhard, second year, secondary school, thirteen years old
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Birds and bees and the such…’Let’s talk about sex.’
Birds and bees and the such…
By David Clarke
Of course there is no such thing as a coming out guide without mentioning the health aspects of playing the birds and the bees game. Let’s talk about sex.
First of all, it’s not who you are it’s what you do.
Now, the male and the female anatomy have given us advantages and disadvantages when it comes to STIs (sexually transmitted diseases) because due to their bodies men and women have different risks of unwanted and unpleasant consequences of a very pleasant activity.
Boys who have sex with boys have a higher risk of contracting a STI but that DOES NOT mean that girls who have sex with girls are immune to them! Body fluids, such as semen and vaginal fluids can carry viruses which can make you very sick.
HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) is of course the most known STI and it is still incurable. Once you have contracted the virus, it will always be in your body which means that you can also pass it on to somebody else. HIV can be mainly found in blood, semen and vaginal fluid. HIV can develop into AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome), a disease that still kills thousands of people in the world every day.
HIV and AIDS were associated with the gay community for a long time because the first group affected were gay men in the US. The first name given to what we know as HIV today was GRID – Gay Related Immune Deficiency.
Since then the picture has changed drastically. Women who have sex with men are one of 
the groups considered at high risk because they can contract the virus easier than men because of their anatomy.
Certain sexual practices carry a higher risk of infection than others with anal penetration being on top, closely followed by vaginal sex. Oral sex is not usually considered high risk but it is not completely safe either. So, girls and boys, be safe in whatever you do for play and pleasure and use those nice condoms and dental dams when you’re fooling round. HIV, Hepatitis C, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Chlamydia, genital herpes and all those nasty surprises are not a nice thing to have to deal with, so better be safe than sorry.
And enjoy yourselves as much as you can.
David is the youth officer with Gay Wexford and the author of the
coming out guide on the Youth page at GayWexford.com. For more
details of Gay Youth Wexford see their facebook page or send an email
to gayyouthwexford@gmail.com
Posted in GYW, Youth
Tagged AIDS, Bisexual, Chlamydia, female, gay, genital herpes, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis C, higher risk, HIV, Human Immunodeficiency Virus, lesbian, Let’s talk about sex., Male, sexual practices, sexually transmitted diseases, STIs, Syphilis, Transgender
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Expectations, Expectations…
Expectations, Expectations…
By David Clarke
Ok, this is where the whole thing gets tricky. You’ve done it all. You’ve gone through the confusion and the hard stuff and all this business and you did it. You came out to yourself and to others.
So, what to expect now? First things first. There is a multitude of reactions you can expect. Some people will be totally cool with the whole thing; others mightn’t be. Just ask yourself who the important people are. If some people don’t understand what you’re on about, then that’s their problem. You’ll have to find out for yourself how important it is to YOU that they understand.
You might encounter a few frustrations on the way but then again you also might encounter some really pleasant surprises.
There is one big aspect and that’s how your family will take the whole thing. Underneath it all we just want to be loved and accepted by the ones close to us. If that takes them some time, for example because they have a very traditional background, give them time to understand the situation. Be patient but also firm. It’s not a phase. It’s not something that will just go away. And it doesn’t change who you are. Chances are that they will cop on sooner or later. That all might sound a bit negative here but there are realities that not all people throw a party when they are told about their loved ones are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender that’s silly but it’s true. If time doesn’t help or you get impatient, then do what you have to do. Find your own folks, even if they are not related to you by blood.
There are people out there who will take you just the way you are. And not only as partners but most importantly as a human being. As You.!
Ok! enough gloom and doom now!
There is just one other inconvenient little secret we feel we need to share here. Sometimes when you’re going through the whole coming out business, you think that when you’re done things will just be strawberries and sunshine from then on.
Well…. It might be but there is one thing: you’ll still be human. An LGBT human but still one with a bad hair day, PMT or a bad hangover. Your sexual orientation and gender identity are important parts of your life but they are just parts of the puzzle that make you.
So even after your coming out you might still have to deal with the fact that you don’t like your right big toe, think that you should be a size -10 and all this weird stuff that keeps you from being happy. All we wanna say here is that coming out is not a magic wand for all the monkeys on your back, so you still might have to deal with other things like animal control to get rid of them. We are family… Or so… Well, yes, we have all danced to that song before, haven’t we? The big happy gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans family.
But let’s give it a reality check here. We might share a lot of experiences and a lot of problems at times but there are certain things we do not share. Only because we like somebody from the same sex or we want to change ours, that’s not all we are!
When you come out as LGBT, you still have more than that going for you. Your sexual or gender identity is an important part of who you are but it’s not all you are.
And that’s quite an important thing in your coming out because it will have a huge influence in how the whole story is going to go.
Let’s talk about your background here and who you are. Do you live in the city or in the countryside? Are you a culchie or a Dub? If you are a Dub, what part of the city are you from? Depending on attitudes and backgrounds there, people might react very differently to your new found identity.
And then there are those who are not even from the Green Isle. Ireland has become home for people from so many different countries and cultures now. Some of those cultures are very accepting of LGBT identities and some are less accepting. So depending on what culture you are from your folks and yourself might have a harder time accepting who you are.
Without going into stereotypes here, it might be easier for a totally liberal, no-denominational and hippie crowd to accept you as LGBT than for a very conservative or even fundamentalist religious community. So, even though coming out is not an easy thing to do for anybody, it can be a good bit harder if you are from a stricter or more closed background. Time is the key again and building up social networks that will help you. Just in case you and/ or your folks have a hard time of coming to terms with you being LGBT.
Don’t panic! Even if you are a devout fundamentalist who lives in one of the roughest areas of the country and has a conservative family who wants to light torches when they hear “homosexuality” mentioned, you are NOT the first person from the same background who has gone through a coming out. It can be done! And if you’re stuck, then ask those who have already been through the whole thing and come out the other side as safe and sound rainbow people. “I guess I was pretty lucky because most of my family accepted me being gay. My dad is transgendered, so I told him first naturally. Yet it was still one of the most difficult things I ever had to do in my life. It’s tough no matter what but things usually work out for the best in the long run.”
David is the youth officer with Gay Wexford and the author of the
coming out guide on the Youth page at GayWexford.com. For more
details of Gay Youth Wexford see their facebook page or send an email
to gayyouthwexford@gmail.com
Posted in GYW, Youth
Tagged accepted, Bisexual, gay, It’s not a phase, lesbian, loved, traditional background, Transgender, will not just go away
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